as promised i did some writing,
im not extremely happy with it,
but its a start.....
do you remember when we laid underneath the lightning,
when that thunder that was shaking our pulse,
the perfect storm.
wrapped in protection and awe,
terrified of being the unlucky percent.
i wish i could dig inside your head and find the switches to your fear,
turn them off,
watch you go out of a blaze of heartache.
You know that image in your head,
and that strangers words you've held onto,
the face you make when what you see is all wrong,
but really its all thats ever been there?
i wish i could steal the photographs that never have existed,
paint them over these walls around us,
watch you fall to the floor in a destructive mess.
remember when you told me it would all end soon and
you'd be the one to rebuild it into your own playground of rubble and scavenging?
the way your eyes glossed over hoping you hadn't just wasted a perfectly good lie?
i wish i could destroy this world,
tear it all down,
let you run again like you did when you were a child,
before the hate crept in and jaded your innocence.
i wish i could ask you whether its your head or your heart in control of these pedals,
but to honest,
if I'm riding with you,
i doubt i want to know.
i wish i could ask why you cried when you made it through the lightning storm,
but i know you don't like to remember disappointments,
so ill just go on letting you pretend it isn't over yet and someday you'll be struck.
i wish i could ask what happens if the world doesn't collapse,
if it just keeps on spinning until you're old and grey and pass in your sleep,
but mostly i believe you when you say it will,
I'm pretty positive you'll make sure it does,
to be honest all i really want to know is if you'll bring me along and
let me watch as everything around us is as beautifully broken down as your heart.
someday i promise ill be more like you,
be that image painted across the white walls you hate,
be the floorboards catching your last tears,
be the grime under your nails thats shows your hands got dirty.
someday ill break that promise,
you never seem to mind anyways,
the worse i break you,
the more content the smile at the side of your lips seems
and while you're living to be a legend,
I'm living to see that smile.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
just a catch up...
alright so, the last few weeks have been a bit...down.
it got down to 46 below the other day for a couple days
which was, disgusting to say the least,
then a bunch of snow,
then more cold,
a little more snow,
and now the sun appears to be poking through,
which still means cold but hey,
cant win everything.
anyway, seeing as im from the northwest
where it litterally rains like 90% of the time,
i assumed i was just immune or something
to seasonal depression,
turns out i was wrong.
the summers here are hot and sticky
which makes you feel gross and ugly
all the time and not want to go out,
hello depressing,
and winters are so cold you have to
wear giant coats all the time
that make you feel all gross and frumpy
and you dont want to go out in it either,
hello depressing.
not to mention, my ipod finally ate shit a little bit ago
meaning no music =[[
so anyways, ive decided, im boycotting
midwest winters,
big frumpy coats,
ugly boots,
seasonal depression.
im glad to be heading back to the northwest
in a few months here,
although to be honest,
ill miss it here a bit.
its just not for me, so im excepting
my loses and trying another new place,
dear oregon, your ass is mine! <3/Taylor
anyway, something else in me is suddenly
pushing me to eat healthy and exercise
and shit, which isnt really upsetting me,
cause i wouldnt mind to be a little....
littler. =]
i forget how much i love granola and
fruit and yogurt and shit till i eat it,
plus, exercise just makes me all pumped up.
great stress reliever, especially when
its not like forcing myself to go to the gym.
i also spent like 2 full days deep cleaning
and organizing my living space
which did a wonderful little number to
my emotional space.
im feeling a bit on top of the world,
all i need now is for my W-2's to get here
so i can get my return and stop
stressing about moving costs.
i mean im fine financially,
but still, with looking to buy a new
car soon and everything being so expensive
i just like to have some backup cash saved.
ill try to get some more writing and art
in soon and post it,
i wish the only 24 coffee place in this city
didnt also double as my work.
id love to be able to go there on my nights
off and sit in a corner and get some writing
done, but theres something about going
to work on your nights off that just makes you
feel lame. =]]
oh also, did i mention i finally after like 4 months
organized my cds!!
hello weight off the shoulders.
those buggers had been driving me crazy since
i got to the city.
now i just need a car again to play them in =]]
thats about it for now!
<3
it got down to 46 below the other day for a couple days
which was, disgusting to say the least,
then a bunch of snow,
then more cold,
a little more snow,
and now the sun appears to be poking through,
which still means cold but hey,
cant win everything.
anyway, seeing as im from the northwest
where it litterally rains like 90% of the time,
i assumed i was just immune or something
to seasonal depression,
turns out i was wrong.
the summers here are hot and sticky
which makes you feel gross and ugly
all the time and not want to go out,
hello depressing,
and winters are so cold you have to
wear giant coats all the time
that make you feel all gross and frumpy
and you dont want to go out in it either,
hello depressing.
not to mention, my ipod finally ate shit a little bit ago
meaning no music =[[
so anyways, ive decided, im boycotting
midwest winters,
big frumpy coats,
ugly boots,
seasonal depression.
im glad to be heading back to the northwest
in a few months here,
although to be honest,
ill miss it here a bit.
its just not for me, so im excepting
my loses and trying another new place,
dear oregon, your ass is mine! <3/Taylor
anyway, something else in me is suddenly
pushing me to eat healthy and exercise
and shit, which isnt really upsetting me,
cause i wouldnt mind to be a little....
littler. =]
i forget how much i love granola and
fruit and yogurt and shit till i eat it,
plus, exercise just makes me all pumped up.
great stress reliever, especially when
its not like forcing myself to go to the gym.
i also spent like 2 full days deep cleaning
and organizing my living space
which did a wonderful little number to
my emotional space.
im feeling a bit on top of the world,
all i need now is for my W-2's to get here
so i can get my return and stop
stressing about moving costs.
i mean im fine financially,
but still, with looking to buy a new
car soon and everything being so expensive
i just like to have some backup cash saved.
ill try to get some more writing and art
in soon and post it,
i wish the only 24 coffee place in this city
didnt also double as my work.
id love to be able to go there on my nights
off and sit in a corner and get some writing
done, but theres something about going
to work on your nights off that just makes you
feel lame. =]]
oh also, did i mention i finally after like 4 months
organized my cds!!
hello weight off the shoulders.
those buggers had been driving me crazy since
i got to the city.
now i just need a car again to play them in =]]
thats about it for now!
<3
Friday, January 2, 2009
so this is the new year...
generally im a bit opposed to new years resolutions cause
hell whats the point in making a silly goal you'll probably
end up giving up on a few weeks in,
but what the hell,
maybe it'll stick.
so it seems my plans to move to oregon in august
are really showing themselves and telling me to
go ahead and jump on it early and be there in
march or april,
so with yet another new move,
im going to try and find the things that the move
to chicago didnt end up including.
resolution 1:
find a sanctuary.
when i was in washington my house generally
really felt like my home,
and even when things got chaotic there,
i always had my baby car,
here, my house isnt really my home,
the lack of car thing ive decided is for some people,
but im not one of them,
my job is currently my home-y place but that really
doesnt seem too healthy and i dont have
much control over when that changes,
especially now that starbucks as a company
is holding on by a pinky and screwing
us all in the process.
leading me to...
resolutions 2 & 3:
buy a nice car that i can rely on and love
& work for a company that appreciates me
bending over backwards for them.
with my tax return coming in right around when
i move and the costs of living in portland being
so much lower than the costs of living in chicago
i'll be able to make car payments on my dream car,
'06 scion xb
yes, its true, i love them,
you can actually find them for around 6-8 grand
these days which is more than i can lay down
at once, but cheap enough i could pay it off
in at most a couple years,
plus it'll be super reliable,
and if gas prices decide to spike again,
it gets great gas milage.
not to mention it still has a nice hatch back
and plenty of room for people or stuff
without being a giant beast like my mothers SUV.
back to jobs, i figure ill go ahead and transfer
to a starbucks out there so i wont have to do
that awful looking for a job frantic thing
while settling into a new place,
but i miss working for a smaller company.
maybe i can convince crusin coffee
to go ahead and expand to oregon. =]]
id like to start that whole moving up in
a company thing, but id really like it
to be a company thats small enough to
actually be able to see and appreciate all
my hard work, plus until your atleast
an assistant manager and on salary at starbucks,
it doesnt matter how long your with the company
or how much work you put in,
you get paid shit.
it'll be much easier to find another coffee place
to work at back in the northwest where everyone
treats coffee like its legal crack =]]
alright soo....
resolution 4:
use all this energy.
lately ive had tons and tons of motivation and
energy, and as much as i hate that whole
"work out more resolution"
id mostly just like to not let this shove go to waste.
since ive moved to the city ive built up
tons of muscle so i figure i might as
well burn some of this stuff off if
im all sparked up to do so anyway,
it would be silly to waste it.
i think i wanna start dancing again.
resolution 5:
put an effort into staying close with family & friends.
as im getting older my family is becoming less
and less of a burden and more and more
of people i really want to be around and have
in my life, so id like to be closer to them.
plus theres gonna be tiny forrests running
around somewhat soon and i cant let them
fully be raised by a couple of dirty hippies =]
also with this whole running around the country
looking for whatevers next ive met some
incredible people and realized who i dont want
to loose back home, so id like to continue
to stay close with them and of course ill
continue to visit chicago, hell, its one of my homes.
resolution 6:
figure out how to let people in.
the last few years have really tested me over and over,
and in the process ive manage to acquire a bit
of a shield that id like to be able to take down
and maybe let a few people here and there in.
i feel like ive gotten to a strong enough point in
my life where if someone hurts me ill be able to
deal with it in a normal way,
so hopefully it'll all get a little easier to not
be so guarded this year.
thats about all i have for now,
we'll see how it all goes,
hope everyone had a good new year,
toasted to cheap champange
and are ready to dive in head first.
<3
hell whats the point in making a silly goal you'll probably
end up giving up on a few weeks in,
but what the hell,
maybe it'll stick.
so it seems my plans to move to oregon in august
are really showing themselves and telling me to
go ahead and jump on it early and be there in
march or april,
so with yet another new move,
im going to try and find the things that the move
to chicago didnt end up including.
resolution 1:
find a sanctuary.
when i was in washington my house generally
really felt like my home,
and even when things got chaotic there,
i always had my baby car,
here, my house isnt really my home,
the lack of car thing ive decided is for some people,
but im not one of them,
my job is currently my home-y place but that really
doesnt seem too healthy and i dont have
much control over when that changes,
especially now that starbucks as a company
is holding on by a pinky and screwing
us all in the process.
leading me to...
resolutions 2 & 3:
buy a nice car that i can rely on and love
& work for a company that appreciates me
bending over backwards for them.
with my tax return coming in right around when
i move and the costs of living in portland being
so much lower than the costs of living in chicago
i'll be able to make car payments on my dream car,
'06 scion xb
yes, its true, i love them,
you can actually find them for around 6-8 grand
these days which is more than i can lay down
at once, but cheap enough i could pay it off
in at most a couple years,
plus it'll be super reliable,
and if gas prices decide to spike again,
it gets great gas milage.
not to mention it still has a nice hatch back
and plenty of room for people or stuff
without being a giant beast like my mothers SUV.
back to jobs, i figure ill go ahead and transfer
to a starbucks out there so i wont have to do
that awful looking for a job frantic thing
while settling into a new place,
but i miss working for a smaller company.
maybe i can convince crusin coffee
to go ahead and expand to oregon. =]]
id like to start that whole moving up in
a company thing, but id really like it
to be a company thats small enough to
actually be able to see and appreciate all
my hard work, plus until your atleast
an assistant manager and on salary at starbucks,
it doesnt matter how long your with the company
or how much work you put in,
you get paid shit.
it'll be much easier to find another coffee place
to work at back in the northwest where everyone
treats coffee like its legal crack =]]
alright soo....
resolution 4:
use all this energy.
lately ive had tons and tons of motivation and
energy, and as much as i hate that whole
"work out more resolution"
id mostly just like to not let this shove go to waste.
since ive moved to the city ive built up
tons of muscle so i figure i might as
well burn some of this stuff off if
im all sparked up to do so anyway,
it would be silly to waste it.
i think i wanna start dancing again.
resolution 5:
put an effort into staying close with family & friends.
as im getting older my family is becoming less
and less of a burden and more and more
of people i really want to be around and have
in my life, so id like to be closer to them.
plus theres gonna be tiny forrests running
around somewhat soon and i cant let them
fully be raised by a couple of dirty hippies =]
also with this whole running around the country
looking for whatevers next ive met some
incredible people and realized who i dont want
to loose back home, so id like to continue
to stay close with them and of course ill
continue to visit chicago, hell, its one of my homes.
resolution 6:
figure out how to let people in.
the last few years have really tested me over and over,
and in the process ive manage to acquire a bit
of a shield that id like to be able to take down
and maybe let a few people here and there in.
i feel like ive gotten to a strong enough point in
my life where if someone hurts me ill be able to
deal with it in a normal way,
so hopefully it'll all get a little easier to not
be so guarded this year.
thats about all i have for now,
we'll see how it all goes,
hope everyone had a good new year,
toasted to cheap champange
and are ready to dive in head first.
<3
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
commitment must be foreign
Remember that day when i changed my mind again
and was too busy to explain
and you ignored me and just said no.
i guess you were listening when i spoke.
-
I dont make decisions.
my head thinks too hard
and my fingers ache for a torture
to fuel me as i scribble down more
bullshit about confusion and love.
turns out i dont like when other people
make my decisions for me either.
-
sometimes i think im too screwed
up to hold onto your heart without dropping it.
sometimes i wonder if im just too...concentrated.
is it possible to del-lute someones personality?
im pretty sure im too crazy,
but ive heard by knowing that,
it makes me normal.
normal makes my lungs itch.
-
its like when you tell me to stop when
i get scared you'll stop loving me.
its like when you say your not going to
give up on me and two minutes later say,
"just forget all of it."
-
i told you not to trust me,
you told me it would work.
-
its like when you let me drink till im gone
because you know when my heart is
intoxicated im ok with touch.
its like when you show me your skin
because you know i love to be the
exception to the rules.
-
your words turn me on the way
my lies do,
i love when i beat my conations.
the way getting hit in the face does,
the way i dont want to get bored again.
-
...my fear and your determination
keep this love afloat.
and was too busy to explain
and you ignored me and just said no.
i guess you were listening when i spoke.
-
I dont make decisions.
my head thinks too hard
and my fingers ache for a torture
to fuel me as i scribble down more
bullshit about confusion and love.
turns out i dont like when other people
make my decisions for me either.
-
sometimes i think im too screwed
up to hold onto your heart without dropping it.
sometimes i wonder if im just too...concentrated.
is it possible to del-lute someones personality?
im pretty sure im too crazy,
but ive heard by knowing that,
it makes me normal.
normal makes my lungs itch.
-
its like when you tell me to stop when
i get scared you'll stop loving me.
its like when you say your not going to
give up on me and two minutes later say,
"just forget all of it."
-
i told you not to trust me,
you told me it would work.
-
its like when you let me drink till im gone
because you know when my heart is
intoxicated im ok with touch.
its like when you show me your skin
because you know i love to be the
exception to the rules.
-
your words turn me on the way
my lies do,
i love when i beat my conations.
the way getting hit in the face does,
the way i dont want to get bored again.
-
...my fear and your determination
keep this love afloat.
washington...
its weird being back here.
its weird that this is no longer home.
i couldnt have hoped for any better outcome,
a good time,
but i dont want to stay.
i like my job and my friends and my time alone.
i like chicago.
i like being a proud stranger,
never an ashamed citizen.
i guess its true,
if you love something,
give it away.
Monday, December 8, 2008
a side of me i dont know...
it always blindsides me when my persona does a flip flop,
i figured id be used to it by now since at most
one only sticks around for like 6 months at a time.
its always a nice break from myself.
new music, new outlook, new appearence sometimes.
its little things,
i rebleached my hair this weekend,
so its finally REALLY blonde like i wanted,
i razored the hell out of it so its all short and cute
which ive been wanting to do for so long.
also, bought new gauges a bit bigger than my last ones.
they were a little pricey, but i couldnt
make it through the midwest winter with steel ones
so it was worth it.
plus its fun to have contrasting colored
gauges with your hair.
=]
ill be home in washington in like 15 hours!
this is a very happy Taylor!
i guess thats about it,
im just in a very happy place right now.
=]
i figured id be used to it by now since at most
one only sticks around for like 6 months at a time.
its always a nice break from myself.
new music, new outlook, new appearence sometimes.
its little things,
i rebleached my hair this weekend,
so its finally REALLY blonde like i wanted,
i razored the hell out of it so its all short and cute
which ive been wanting to do for so long.
also, bought new gauges a bit bigger than my last ones.
they were a little pricey, but i couldnt
make it through the midwest winter with steel ones
so it was worth it.
plus its fun to have contrasting colored
gauges with your hair.
=]
ill be home in washington in like 15 hours!
this is a very happy Taylor!
i guess thats about it,
im just in a very happy place right now.
=]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
