Going down with a story...

internal apocalypse

2009-01-22T07:28:00.000-08:00

as promised i did some writing,
im not extremely happy with it,
but its a start.....

do you remember when we laid underneath the lightning,
when that thunder that was shaking our pulse,
the perfect storm.
wrapped in protection and awe,
terrified of being the unlucky percent.
i wish i could dig inside your head and find the switches to your fear,
turn them off,
watch you go out of a blaze of heartache.
You know that image in your head,
and that strangers words you've held onto,
the face you make when what you see is all wrong,
but really its all thats ever been there?
i wish i could steal the photographs that never have existed,
paint them over these walls around us,
watch you fall to the floor in a destructive mess.
remember when you told me it would all end soon and
you'd be the one to rebuild it into your own playground of rubble and scavenging?
the way your eyes glossed over hoping you hadn't just wasted a perfectly good lie?
i wish i could destroy this world,
tear it all down,
let you run again like you did when you were a child,
before the hate crept in and jaded your innocence.
i wish i could ask you whether its your head or your heart in control of these pedals,
but to honest,
if I'm riding with you,
i doubt i want to know.
i wish i could ask why you cried when you made it through the lightning storm,
but i know you don't like to remember disappointments,
so ill just go on letting you pretend it isn't over yet and someday you'll be struck.
i wish i could ask what happens if the world doesn't collapse,
if it just keeps on spinning until you're old and grey and pass in your sleep,
but mostly i believe you when you say it will,
I'm pretty positive you'll make sure it does,
to be honest all i really want to know is if you'll bring me along and
let me watch as everything around us is as beautifully broken down as your heart.
someday i promise ill be more like you,
be that image painted across the white walls you hate,
be the floorboards catching your last tears,
be the grime under your nails thats shows your hands got dirty.
someday ill break that promise,
you never seem to mind anyways,
the worse i break you,
the more content the smile at the side of your lips seems
and while you're living to be a legend,
I'm living to see that smile.

just a catch up...

2009-01-21T07:11:00.000-08:00

alright so, the last few weeks have been a bit...down.
it got down to 46 below the other day for a couple days
which was, disgusting to say the least,
then a bunch of snow,
then more cold,
a little more snow,
and now the sun appears to be poking through,
which still means cold but hey,
cant win everything.
anyway, seeing as im from the northwest
where it litterally rains like 90% of the time,
i assumed i was just immune or something
to seasonal depression,
turns out i was wrong.
the summers here are hot and sticky
which makes you feel gross and ugly
all the time and not want to go out,
hello depressing,
and winters are so cold you have to
wear giant coats all the time
that make you feel all gross and frumpy
and you dont want to go out in it either,
hello depressing.
not to mention, my ipod finally ate shit a little bit ago
meaning no music =[[
so anyways, ive decided, im boycotting
midwest winters,
big frumpy coats,
ugly boots,
seasonal depression.
im glad to be heading back to the northwest
in a few months here,
although to be honest,
ill miss it here a bit.
its just not for me, so im excepting
my loses and trying another new place,
dear oregon, your ass is mine! <3/Taylor
anyway, something else in me is suddenly
pushing me to eat healthy and exercise
and shit, which isnt really upsetting me,
cause i wouldnt mind to be a little....
littler. =]
i forget how much i love granola and
fruit and yogurt and shit till i eat it,
plus, exercise just makes me all pumped up.
great stress reliever, especially when
its not like forcing myself to go to the gym.
i also spent like 2 full days deep cleaning
and organizing my living space
which did a wonderful little number to
my emotional space.
im feeling a bit on top of the world,
all i need now is for my W-2's to get here
so i can get my return and stop
stressing about moving costs.
i mean im fine financially,
but still, with looking to buy a new
car soon and everything being so expensive
i just like to have some backup cash saved.
ill try to get some more writing and art
in soon and post it,
i wish the only 24 coffee place in this city
didnt also double as my work.
id love to be able to go there on my nights
off and sit in a corner and get some writing
done, but theres something about going
to work on your nights off that just makes you
feel lame. =]]
oh also, did i mention i finally after like 4 months
organized my cds!!
hello weight off the shoulders.
those buggers had been driving me crazy since
i got to the city.
now i just need a car again to play them in =]]
thats about it for now!
<3

so this is the new year...

2009-01-02T04:19:00.000-08:00

generally im a bit opposed to new years resolutions cause
hell whats the point in making a silly goal you'll probably
end up giving up on a few weeks in,
but what the hell,
maybe it'll stick.
so it seems my plans to move to oregon in august
are really showing themselves and telling me to
go ahead and jump on it early and be there in
march or april,
so with yet another new move,
im going to try and find the things that the move
to chicago didnt end up including.

resolution 1:
find a sanctuary.
when i was in washington my house generally
really felt like my home,
and even when things got chaotic there,
i always had my baby car,
here, my house isnt really my home,
the lack of car thing ive decided is for some people,
but im not one of them,
my job is currently my home-y place but that really
doesnt seem too healthy and i dont have
much control over when that changes,
especially now that starbucks as a company
is holding on by a pinky and screwing
us all in the process.
leading me to...

resolutions 2 & 3:
buy a nice car that i can rely on and love
& work for a company that appreciates me
bending over backwards for them.
with my tax return coming in right around when
i move and the costs of living in portland being
so much lower than the costs of living in chicago
i'll be able to make car payments on my dream car,
'06 scion xb

yes, its true, i love them,
you can actually find them for around 6-8 grand
these days which is more than i can lay down
at once, but cheap enough i could pay it off
in at most a couple years,
plus it'll be super reliable,
and if gas prices decide to spike again,
it gets great gas milage.
not to mention it still has a nice hatch back
and plenty of room for people or stuff
without being a giant beast like my mothers SUV.
back to jobs, i figure ill go ahead and transfer
to a starbucks out there so i wont have to do
that awful looking for a job frantic thing
while settling into a new place,
but i miss working for a smaller company.
maybe i can convince crusin coffee
to go ahead and expand to oregon. =]]
id like to start that whole moving up in
a company thing, but id really like it
to be a company thats small enough to
actually be able to see and appreciate all
my hard work, plus until your atleast
an assistant manager and on salary at starbucks,
it doesnt matter how long your with the company
or how much work you put in,
you get paid shit.
it'll be much easier to find another coffee place
to work at back in the northwest where everyone
treats coffee like its legal crack =]]
alright soo....

resolution 4:
use all this energy.
lately ive had tons and tons of motivation and
energy, and as much as i hate that whole
"work out more resolution"
id mostly just like to not let this shove go to waste.
since ive moved to the city ive built up
tons of muscle so i figure i might as
well burn some of this stuff off if
im all sparked up to do so anyway,
it would be silly to waste it.
i think i wanna start dancing again.

resolution 5:
put an effort into staying close with family & friends.
as im getting older my family is becoming less
and less of a burden and more and more
of people i really want to be around and have
in my life, so id like to be closer to them.
plus theres gonna be tiny forrests running
around somewhat soon and i cant let them
fully be raised by a couple of dirty hippies =]
also with this whole running around the country
looking for whatevers next ive met some
incredible people and realized who i dont want
to loose back home, so id like to continue
to stay close with them and of course ill
continue to visit chicago, hell, its one of my homes.

resolution 6:
figure out how to let people in.
the last few years have really tested me over and over,
and in the process ive manage to acquire a bit
of a shield that id like to be able to take down
and maybe let a few people here and there in.
i feel like ive gotten to a strong enough point in
my life where if someone hurts me ill be able to
deal with it in a normal way,
so hopefully it'll all get a little easier to not
be so guarded this year.

thats about all i have for now,
we'll see how it all goes,
hope everyone had a good new year,
toasted to cheap champange

and are ready to dive in head first.
<3

too funny =]]

2008-12-22T17:19:00.000-08:00

"Prop 8 - The Musical" starring Jack Black, John C. Reilly, and many more... by Jack Black

commitment must be foreign

2008-12-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

Remember that day when i changed my mind again
and was too busy to explain
and you ignored me and just said no.
i guess you were listening when i spoke.

-

I dont make decisions.
my head thinks too hard
and my fingers ache for a torture
to fuel me as i scribble down more
bullshit about confusion and love.
turns out i dont like when other people
make my decisions for me either.

-

sometimes i think im too screwed
up to hold onto your heart without dropping it.
sometimes i wonder if im just too...concentrated.
is it possible to del-lute someones personality?
im pretty sure im too crazy,
but ive heard by knowing that,
it makes me normal.
normal makes my lungs itch.

-

its like when you tell me to stop when
i get scared you'll stop loving me.
its like when you say your not going to
give up on me and two minutes later say,
"just forget all of it."

-

i told you not to trust me,
you told me it would work.

-

its like when you let me drink till im gone
because you know when my heart is
intoxicated im ok with touch.
its like when you show me your skin
because you know i love to be the
exception to the rules.

-

your words turn me on the way
my lies do,
i love when i beat my conations.
the way getting hit in the face does,
the way i dont want to get bored again.

-

...my fear and your determination
keep this love afloat.

washington...

2008-12-12T18:42:00.000-08:00

its weird being back here.
its weird that this is no longer home.
i couldnt have hoped for any better outcome,
a good time,
but i dont want to stay.
i like my job and my friends and my time alone.
i like chicago.
i like being a proud stranger,
never an ashamed citizen.
i guess its true,
if you love something,
give it away.

a side of me i dont know...

2008-12-08T16:37:00.000-08:00

it always blindsides me when my persona does a flip flop,
i figured id be used to it by now since at most
one only sticks around for like 6 months at a time.
its always a nice break from myself.
new music, new outlook, new appearence sometimes.
its little things,
i rebleached my hair this weekend,
so its finally REALLY blonde like i wanted,
i razored the hell out of it so its all short and cute
which ive been wanting to do for so long.

also, bought new gauges a bit bigger than my last ones.
they were a little pricey, but i couldnt
make it through the midwest winter with steel ones
so it was worth it.

plus its fun to have contrasting colored
gauges with your hair.
=]
ill be home in washington in like 15 hours!
this is a very happy Taylor!
i guess thats about it,
im just in a very happy place right now.
=]

snowbunny

2008-12-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

so its finally started snowing here in lovely chicago
i was sad to realize though that in a big city
thats used to snow in the winter,
the world doesnt really....freeze
the same way it did back home.
its still wonderful though,
a little more difficult to run errands
and shit in, but i guess you gotta pay for
the good things in life.
and its so cold here it literally hurts to breathe.
but good news everyone....
IM GOING HOME TO WASHINGTON IN 3 DAYS!!!
woooo
i dont think ive ever been more excited
to be in washington in my life.
=]
also i was slightly sad becasue i wasnt going
to see my sister and i havent seen her since
last christmas ever, BUT
2 1/2 hour layover in denver on my way home
which just so happens to be where the lovely
morgan resides these days, so atleast time
for a cup of coffee and a smoke with her.
plus my mother has passed on her ability
to keep an eye out for good deals online
and ive found tickets from denver for 150
so im flying the silly hoe out here for her
christmas present.
dear morgan,
act surprised. =]
love. Taylor
alright well with only a couple days left
to get everything in order before i leave
im off to get bleach to do my hair.
mmm white hair.
wish me luck in the arctic tundra!
<3

stupid holiday season

2008-11-27T08:48:00.000-08:00

okay yes i know thanksgiving isnt a huge deal,
but its about being with the people you care about,
and right now 99% of those people are 2000 miles away.
sad turkey day.
so im boycotting,
tonight will be filled with lots of booze
and chinese food and movies.
my mood has been too touch and go lately
and im already a bit too homesick,
not to mention i fly back to my lovely washington
in exactly 12 days, yes thats correct 12.
its so close and so far away and this stupid
holiday is making it worse.
dear everyone having a good turkey day,
enjoy it.
everyone else,
chinese food is always good.
-end rant-

random thoughts in ink...

2008-11-20T14:53:00.000-08:00

a life different than the one in front of my eyes
and miles away from the pavement under my feet.
its all too far away and hitting all too close to the heart.
the chaotic scunge that keeps my veins on the verge
of collapsing is still fresh in my past but
i cant seem to pinpoint why i love it too much
to let it drift away from me.
you're my skeletons and my closet is open.
i dont want to change your life,
i dont need to be part of your routine,
you dont get to miss me.
look at me destroy your doubt.
im doing it,
without you,
without that place,
without hesitation or caution.
im sitting on the clouds inside my dreams,
you're simply clutching to the ladder
i had to climb to get here.
ive been striped of my amenities and comfort,
ive become a new breed,
my multiple faces have been chiseled to fit
in a new world you dont have the ability to picture.
what happened to my life?
i want to share this and keep it all to myself,
i want to dig down and expose my roots to my new life
and pave them over to never be mentioned again.
i want to know where i can find paradise.
can someone force me to remember where i love
myself regardless of the outside view?
im lost and found.
im without devastations breaking my heart
or dreams biting at my ankles.
im a routine you cant decode well enough to follow
and an image i cant see clearly.
this is a mess that cant be cleaned
and an organization you cant tamper with.
maybe im ok,
maybe im falling apart all over again
and wont notice till ive dropped too many
pieces to keep this life afloat.
im dying for a loss of gravity,
im living for a moment of time i cant measure.
im a collage of the steps ive taken
and a continual pile of the steps im walking now.
a fragment of your life you hate to remember
and i dont want to be.
im trying to figure out how to loose my impact
i have on your hearts,
and how to make something push mine into my throat.
i wish i knew how to live slower
or speed up the years to match mine.
maybe im content,
maybe im no where close.
maybe this is home...

for your viewing pleasure...

2008-11-16T19:09:00.001-08:00

so ive been working on some art stuffs
figured id go ahead and post some pictures
like ive been promising for months sooo...

i made these for a friend of mine.
hes a little trainhopper and loves
exploring things and being a dirty hobo mess,
so these fit his personality.
they're only maybe 5x6 so not much
space to work with, but i thought they
were kinda cool.

these ones are all pages out of my journal,
so 9x12 or so. i apoligize about not really being
able to read what they say,
im still taking photos on my phone
cause of my lack of camera,
so hold tight and ill try my best to get some
things scanned at kinkos or something soon.
if youd like to know what they say feel free to ask.

these ones are slightly larger,
like 18X24 maybe,

ill try to continue to get more pictures up
as more art happens, but with this
obnoxious holiday season in motion
starbucks seems to be sucking up majority
of my art making time.
although i did find time yesterday to go
out and show my support and
even get a little sloshed.
=]]
pictures from the proposition 8 protest
in Chicago IL:

i hope all of you found time to go out
and show your support.
it was a good time and it even started snowing
a little while marching,
we took over multiple of the busiest roads
in downtown chicago,
turns out the gays get angry too
=]]
hope everyone had a good weekend
and is joining the i could use an
economy sized asprin for my economy sized
hangover club.
=]]

a little piece of politics for the win

2008-11-12T15:00:00.000-08:00

this is important.

in almost every city in the country this saturday is
rallies to appeal the prop 8 in california,
please attend if your schedule allows,
ill be supporting in chicago.
you can find where things are going on in your
city HERE
thanks a ton everyone!

i dreamed we spoke in lyrics...

2008-11-05T00:42:00.000-08:00

alright a little catch up in my
few spare hours i have off from work,
starbucks seems to be consuming my life.
hope everyones halloweens were fun,
unfortunately i was at work all night,
literally, 7pm-5am.
its chill i got to go in costume and
rip some drunkasses new assholes. =]]

hot zombie mess.
ive been trying to work on some stencils
and collaging to get some artual frustration out.
hopefully ill get up some pictures of
some projects soon here.
went down to grant park the other day for the obama speech.
still not a big fan of the guy but i pick him
over palin anyday, and in reality my choices
never had a chance to win so i guess ill take
your guys word for now.
anyway, it was kinda fun to be in the giant
crowd of people and hell it is history in the making
and who doesnt love a big rally.
i officially have like 33 days or something of
the sorts until i go back home.
sooo fucking excited.
ive decided i like this place too much to
leave it right now and still feel like i accomplished
what i came for, sooo im not moving back in december.
my tax return this year should kick ass since
ive adopted these new workaholic tendencies,
so that comes in like what february? march?
just enough time for me to go home for a week,
visit, see how i feel being back there and
still come back spend a good eight months here atleast
and still have the money shortly after
to move back if i decide to,
plus thatll give the mother and my sister
AhemMorganAhem to come visit here.
i want to show them my new city.
im almost worried about how clear and rational
my head is these days, its so out of character.
ive been trying to get this mix cd project
started, i gotta get a P.O. box
and build up a starting base.
maybe ill secretly out up a flyer on
our event board at the starbucks.
i talked to the mother today about getting
our tattoos when i come back.
super stoked,
its something along the lines of this...

but a litte different...
and yes, my mother has decided she needs
the same tattoo as me >_<
damn her hahah.
im working on trying to talk her into paying
for mine for my birthday present.
im craving new ink like crazy.
ive been working on some sweatshirts lately too,
trying to find some way to get some
creative juices out,
theyre seriously bottling up in there,
im thinking i need a good dose of
washington to get them out.
anyway, i guess thats about it for now.
<3

some silly baristas and possible new projects?

2008-10-27T18:18:00.000-07:00

so ive been working at the starbucks on the corner of
Clark and Bellmont in the middle of boys town in chicago,
mostly graveyard and the night crew is absolutely...
amazing. If not for them there would be much less
laughter in my life.
last night some crazy homophobe came in and
was just being an ass literally spewing things
like "im a homophobe i hate the gays and youll
never change my mind and make me gay"
yes, apparently there really are people out
there still living in a world where men and woman
only fuck their opposites.
wheres the fun in that? haha.
needless to say we told him he needed to leave
because he was getting no coffee from us gays.
haha but he just stood there for a while with
the argument that as soon as he left we were
all going to high five because we had won and
turned him gay.
yes that was his actual argument and the
actual scene playing out in his head.
well needless to say, we didnt high five,
well we might of just because he told us not to,
but mostly we found some suction cups
and stuck them to our forheads with signs
making fun of him hanging off of them.

mine says "welcome to starbucks"
my friend newton [[the middle one]] says "im a homophobe"
hes a big gaymo haha
and my shift leaders [[the tall one in the last photo]]
says "Hey buddy! [suck my dick]"
oh btw, me saying hey buddy to the nut job
is what set him off like somehow a girl calling
you buddy secretly means "i think you take it in the ass"
anyway now that you can see what my coworkers are like,
me and newton have gotten on this what would
we do if there was a zombie attack while we
were at work kick, so i dont know if youve heard of it,
but theres a book called
"the zombie survival guide" by max brooks
well we've decided we're gonna go ahead
and make the starbucks version
complete with diagrams, classifications,
fake photos and what anyone inside a starbucks
would need to know to survive the zombies.
it should be a good time.

im also pretty excited about this project of my
own i wanna work on.
id love to get a bit of a community formed,
people from all over the country,
hopefully some from out of the country too
and exchange mix cds.
like actually take the time to put a cd all together
complete with little doodles, track lists, etc.
like a pen pal like thing but with mix cds.
i mean really who doesnt like music
and who doesnt like opening up their mailbox
to find something other than bills and ads.
im going to see what i can put together,
but im really excited about it.
you'll definitely be hearing more about this project.
i gotta think of a decent name for it.
hmmm.
well thats about it for the evening.
take care and stay warm!

2008-10-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

so ive decided that not only am i not satisfied here or back home
i dont think ill be satisfied anywhere.
i love a goal and something to work toward
and ive been working for this the last 4 years and
now im here and all i can think about is what im
going to do next.
hey morgan,
turns out we might be more similar
than we thought.
i also think you could plop me down
just about anywhere i know the language to
and within a month id be happy and settled.
i think i might be terrified of settling.
hmmm.
maybe just afraid of being boring?
i think i gotta start making art.
seems as though i cant force myself to write.
ive only written like 3 times in the last 3 months
ive been here.
damn art supplies being so expensive.
stay tuned for some creations.
ive been working on a bad ass sweatshirt
for a friend back home and im happy with
how its turning out.
i wish they carried spray paint in the city.
id like to start a board that i can just tag
and re tag over and over,
but i only brought 4 cans of paint with me
and im worried about not being able to get more.
i wish i was 25 so i could rent an icar
and drive out to the burbs and pick up some paint
well actually mostly just so i can drive again,
god i miss it.
i talked to the old manager back home today
and he was excited to hear she might be getting me back.
44 days till i visit or whatever.
im ready for some good old fashion
roots and history.
its weird being in a place where you dont have
more than 3 months of memories with anything.
hmmm.
in other news
its cold
=]]
i always feel better and mor functionable in the cold
or dissfunctional,
i havent decided which but whatever it is i like it more.
i guess thats about it for now,
btw
SISTER! CALL ME OR ANSWER YOUR PHONE!
i feel like i havent talked to you in forever!
<3

a month and a half left...maybe....

2008-10-16T01:44:00.001-07:00

alright so at this point im really just trying to decide,
washington or illinois...
dont get me wrong,
chicago has treated me better than i could
have ever imagined.
i guess i forgot that i had the ability to start over
again and again and again.
since i can remember its always been my goal
to get out of bellingham and then i guess
i just thought everything would just be perfect,
silly me.
no, surprisingly actually things have been great,
i enjoy my job for the most,
ive made tons of friends who are all amazing,
i did it i guess,
but its just, not it...
like id like to go to school,
have an actual career even if its like
manager somewhere,
so not even necessarily school,
probably though, and as much as i love
the idea of "going off to college" like majority
of kids its not in my reality like that.
to manage to live in chicago i have to work a bunch
and to be able to get those kind of hours
i have to have open availibility
which i wouldnt be able to have while going to school
let alone trying to figure out how to pay for the
whole school thing without coming out
oweing my soul in student loans
which would almost be worse than not going at all.
soooo i guess ive just realized there isnt going
to be some fairytale somewhere and i gotta
figure out where i want to build up from.
i fly back home to visit for my birthday on december 9th
and since i already have a ticket back then
i guess im gonna either decide to keep it
a visit and use the seattle to chicago part of the ticket
as well or ship my stuff back and take this experience with me.
im a little overwhelmed.
i guess i was hoping to land in a place that felt like
home and everything just kinda fell together,
but rude awakening,
daydreams and reality arent quite the same.
i feel sick,
like if i go back im giving up or failing or not making it,
but if i stay here i feel like im just trying to prove
something i already know.
boy i wish right now i was miserable here
or hated it back home,
but in reality,
its neither,
just another decision i cant force myself to make.
i cant smoke enough ciggarettes to make my head clear
cant keep busy enough to forget.
id love a piece of advice,
anyones opinion will do.
maybe ill finally be able to sleep again once
i make a decision.
please and thank you.

in other news.
-begin rant-
i hate the puppy.
its teeth are now sharp enough to break skin
which it is doing on a daily basis
and its snapping at faces or whatever other
body part is in its way.
its pissing and shitting in the house constantly.
chewing up shoes, cords, papers whatever
it can get its mouth on,
except its giant collection of toys
which it just pisses on all the time
so theyre always soaking in our shower
fucking gross.
im sorry but who wants to go to get in the
shower to find now that theyre naked and ready
to get in find a pile of piss soaked dog toys to deal with.
NOT ME.
the roommate whos dog its suppose to be
lets it basically do whatever it pleases.
also if it starts shitting or pissing in the house
doesnt offer to get up and run it outside
and clean up its mess.
the other roommate is about as sick of it as i am
but has figured out a scary voice that stops her,
one i cant seem to get her to understand.
im on the verge of putting the stupid dog outside
in a free box and letting someone who has
the time to deal with her take her.
ugh.
and on top of my anger for her being obnoxious
as all hell, im even more pissed that the rule
was no animals when i wanted to bring my
sweet bite free pottytrained easiest dog in the world
suki babe, but then all of a sudden it was decided
we were getting a dog of my roommates choice
and choice of name and it had to be a pure bred
puppy who was gonna need tons of attention,
did i mention im huge on the whole humane society.
im just sick and tired of having cuts all over
my hands and arms from stupid baby teeth
>_< too much puppy.
-end rant-

also, pretty sick of not sleeping,
not like i slept much back home,
but since ive gotten here my sleep pattern
has been so fucked/non existent.
im down to sleeping maybe 2 nights a week
and somehow my body has adjusted to
semi-functioning with that.
ohhh coffee,
you keep me going through the days.
ive began starting my day with
4 shots of espresso,
3 pumps of vanilla syrup
and an inch of cold soy milk,
divided in 2 and taken like shots.
cant be good for the system.

and a wee bit of good news to perk up this
extremely lengthy mostly ranting blog.
its started raining here
and ive discovered the only thing
that calms me down/takes my mind off of things
besides driving
which i miss so fucking much
is walking multiple miles
in the pouring rain
hair down, no hood,
chucks jeans and a pullover sweatshirt
feist blasting on my ipod
vanilla soy steamer in one hand
kamel red [[which i finally found
a place that sells them!!!] in the other
at night time.
i need it to rain a lot to stay sane.

ok thats all i have i swear,
thanks for reading.

-Taylor Rae

decisions decisions oh and fun stuff...

2008-10-09T03:54:00.000-07:00

so i was read my sisters new blog posting
you can read hers here
obviously we're extremely different,
but i figured id share a couple of my etsy favorites
since i have a couple hours to blow before heading back to work
cause starbucks is crazy and does things like schedule
me from 11 p.m.-5a.m.
then noon-9p.m.
thanks.
haha.
so heres some of my recent favorites
that hopefully ill get around to buying one of these days

i do some graffiti here and there so im a big
fan of this hello my name is necklace.
id put my tag which is generally "TECH"
in the open space.

i have something about really awful fake mustaches...
on girls that get the best of me.
you can even pick which style of mustache you want
from these four...

sooo cute!

I love all the vinyl stickers on etsy,
and they're really cheap compared to most sites
you can find them on.
my mac book could seriously use some arting out,
these are a couple of my favorites for laptops...

=]]

so fun!

i love seeded dandelions!
thats actually partially what my next tattoo is of.

ok so i know thats not on a laptop,
but im sure the size would be about right
and god damn do i love tanks!
i blame it on my obsession of tank girl.
=]]
ok thats it for vinyl stickers,
theres a million more i like,
but ill let you look around at them yourself.

doesnt necessarily look like something i would
generally enjoy, but i just think the necklace
and this similarish ring are adorable...

=]]

this little pouch by "Majestyinc" i love
not to mention they have tons of cute funky pouches
including mustaches and 3-d glasses.
i love it!

ok seriously i cant help but love this,
its essentially a roll of duct tape covered in bananas
who doesnt need that?
i mean really.
fucking genious's

these are boxer briefs with an octopus screen printed on them.
i need like 10 pairs of these and ill be happy.
=]]
ok only 2 more i swear...

i love nothing more than a random stuffed animal
of some weird ass animal,
like my snail charlie.
[[hes green with a single fang and
one big eye and one little eye
with yellow spikes down his back,
hes adorable,
but this yellow printed squid is pretty amazing too.
ok last one...

this painting is actually on the girls mom's etsy
cause shes only 15 but shes done a couple of really cute ones
and they all have silly little stories to go along with them.
you can read the story to this octopus here.
ok, thats it for now,
go look around etsy if you havent yet,
there's everything on there,
i just happen to like odd little quirky things
=]]

...in other news.
im sorta toying around with the idea of heading
back to the lovely pacific northwest.
dont get me wrong, chicago is great,
ive made some pretty good friends here,
i enjoy my job for the most part
when they arent scheduling me crazy shifts
and my house is really nice in a good location with good rent
minus our landlord who just calls me punk,
but whatever.
i just think i liked washington people better,
they always have this undertone of insanity,
i love the insanity.
i have no idea what im going to do,
im atleast staying till i go visit for my birthday
in december, so i have 2 more months
at the very least to decide.
which is good,
because if you know me,
im TERRIBLE at making decisions,
especially important ones
and ones that have any kind of commitment to them.
this could be a bit difficult,
hopefully ill get a chance to chat with the parental
units on their take of things soon.
plus, i definitely would rather move up
in the company i was at before than starbucks.
maybe ill just go help my sister run her coffee cart
haha =]]

alright well thats it for now,
ill post again soon.
<3

fall...winter...?

2008-10-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

so i think fall has officially conquered the mid west, or atleast the greater chicago area.
after spending the last month hearing about how wonderful fall in bellingham is from everyone back home,
while its been 80 degrees here the cold front has finally hit us.
i was walking home from work the other night at 4:30 a.m.
[[i work graveyard]]
and i started shivering.
generally people wouldnt be happy about that but being from the rainy gloomy northwest, i was.
the only downfall is when it was hot and humid as hell here i only missed bellingham out of spite of the heat, but now i just miss the fall in the northwest.
most people get seasonal depression because of the cold,
i get it missing the cold haha,
dont say i didnt warn you us washingtonians are a bit flip flopped.
work has been a lot of making pumpkin spice lattes and chai teas and hot chocolates,
sooo fall must be in the air.
not to mention my roommates covered our stoop in that tacky fake cobweb shit and puple and black sparkly garlands with little fake bats on it. oh boy...not to mentipon a fake gravestone, yes you read that right.
welcome to the land of tacky halloween decorations.

>_<
In other news...
im starting to make a couple friends =]]
and Killer [[our puppy]]
is getting much bigger.
her ears are even starting to stand up.
she looks less like a little bear cub now and more like a baby fox

=]]
she's generally sweet when im the only one home,
but when my roommates come home,
since theyre the ones doing the training she gets a bit rebellious.
ive been trying to work on some writing,
but there seems to be some sort of blocker in the way.
i need to find a good place to force myself to write.
the shoe is 2000 miles away and my work is full of college students working on homework a lot of the time so we'll see.
i just need coffee, a plug in for my lap top and maybe some chill music,
but i can provide that last one.
speaking of decent music to write to,
i just finished the three week marathon of all 4 seasons of The OC and the music for the show is actually pretty killer.
most of the music is on this site, so if your looking for something new i recommend it.
well, its just about time to head out and get ready for work,
but i figured my blog needed some updating.
ill try not to neglect it again.
oh and...
countdown to going back home for a week...
2 months!
=]]

New puppy...

2008-09-14T05:42:00.000-07:00

My roommate just got a new tiny puppy a couple days ago,
its a german shepherd, which i have to admit,
not my favorite dogs.
Plus she named it Melanie, Mel for short. blech.
Not a fan of the name, but its ok,
if there's anything my sister and i are good at
its coming up with absurd nicknames for animals.
[[i.e. evil peemas, big kitty friend, BK,
suk-a-duk, sasquatch, kiddun]]
But..She is adorable.

She looks like a tiny bear cub.
We're crate training her cause i definitely didnt
want an obnoxious puppy shitting everywhere and making
the place smell like rotting dog.
regardless she's spent the last two nights crying
her head off in the crate and then passing out
as soon as my roommate lets her out.
ohhh boy, lets hope that ends soon.
its too sad to listen to much longer.
she has a bit of a feet fetish,
maybe cause she cant actually see any higher.
ill keep you posted on how the new puppy goes,
im sure there will be more pictures at some point.

in other news its been pouring rain for the last three days,
but its also been disgustingly muggy. ew.
im ready for the dry cold
or cold rain, something other than this.

well have a good sunday morning everyone.
go read the new post secrets!
www.postsecret.com
if you havent head of it yet, start now,
its amazing.

<3

Bits & Pieces...

2008-09-14T01:08:00.000-07:00

so i dont have the patience to sit down and write something from start to finish,
let alone do i think it would be any good.
i work off of momentary bolts of emotion,
so if im going to attempt to write this memoir
im going to have to write bits and pieces here and there
and then put it all together,
this is one of the pieces ive gotten out so far....

Saying i love you is one of the few things i never stop fearing.
I'm no good at showing emotion, for me its like jumping off a cliff into water.
ill do it, but mostly to prove to myself and others i can,
I try really hard not to let them see my fear, i count down in my head 3...2...1....jump.
"i love you."
my heart jumps and stops all at the same time, my muscles clench,
i shake a little, i cant breathe, i cant think, i cant stop thinking, will i hear it back?
will i regret that? will i change my mind? is it too soon? is it too late?
then again, hearing i love you is one of the things that ill never be able to believe.
"i love you."
its similar to saying it. my heart does flips, my cheeks get rosy, i choke, my head is screaming louder than i can fight off, "they're lying, you're being a fool, don't believe it, you've heard it before, they just don't know you yet, they'll get jaded and change their mind, how could they love you when the people that are supposed to couldn't?"
then what?
their first time is done, its out there and it'll be expected of me again.
i'll have to jump over and over.
Have you ever jumped off a cliff?
The few moments you're in the air you're in a panic. Your arms fly around and your legs kick in every direction, you try your best to remember everything you know, keep straight, hit the water feet first, close your eyes, plug your nose. No matter how hard you try you can't just enjoy the fall, and then you hit. If you're lucky you've remembered everything and the initial impact wont hurt, but if you forget, you hit, it burns and pierces, everyone cringes and thinks how glad they are it was you and not them Then you're in the water. you spent so much time and energy thinking and flailing around that you're out of breathe and far below the safe surface. There's the panic again, the adrenalin from the jump has impaired your arms and legs, your kicking and and trying to swim up to the top before your lungs and explode and you die right there. Finally you reach the air, deep breath, you made it. You jumped and hit and swam and didn't die. It's an accomplishment, but no one's impressed, no clapping, no astonishment, you're just another person to them. Now they know you can do it, so you're expected to go again and again, continue the panic.
That's what it's like for me to show emotion. An accomplishment without reward or victory, just another thing they've seen before and will expect again.

A first attempt at a start...

2008-09-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

Have you ever realized the moment your in is
the one moment that will change the rest of your life?
have you ever met someone with eyes that burn and stories that kill?
Have you ever died and started over?
This is my story as clearly as I can remember it,
i wish i knew how to start at the beginning,
but i'm not exactly sure where that is anymore.
I suppose expecting a normal existence would have been
a bit insane considering my roots, my experiences and my mindset,
and yeah i know, "but what is normal?"
i hate simple questions attempting to make a person think;
you all know what normal im referring to.
i was never one of those kids that was kept out of what was going on,
or more so i never allowed anyone to keep me out of what was going on,
i mean hell, my "theme song" was "little miss cant be wrong" by The Presidents
and i told people when i grew i wanted to be a belly dancer and ear piercer,
if thats any indication for what kind of kid i was.
The youngest child of the family,
an emotional single mom, an intricate stoner dad, an older brother and sister,
and boy did i take the cake for most difficult kid.
i remember thinking things that normal kids didn't think about.
i fell in love with anything i did,
i suppose i still do that now.
i always wanted a story to call my own,
an amazing go down in history, break your heart, humorous, huge kinda story.
Maybe i should have been careful what i wished for.
The thing about stories is, what makes them great is the fact that they're always things people wonder about but never want to live through.
i wish i remember more about growing up,
but its all a bit of a blur, so this is where ill start.
I suppose its going to be difficult to explain this without hurting anybody,
but to be honest, there was a lot of hurt involved.
Winter of 2003, thats when my memory starts to clear a bit.
The year before bush was elected,
somehow our liberal minds and hearts beating for a riot brought us all together.
Friday night peace vigils on the corner of cornwall and magnolia,
screaming our hearts our marching the streets till our fingers were blue and our voices were long gone.
i loved being part of something more powerful than i could control;
something that put all of our differences aside and brought us together for a common dream.
i got to be with my mom, see a side of her that wasn't my mom,
she was just another protester at my side.
i was finally allowed to be included in my sister's life,
something i had always wanted to bad.
i got to meet her friends and be a little part of their lives,
one of which was Julia.
i couldn't have imagined how one eighteen year old girl could flip my life so drastically.
julia has always been the kind of girl to break the limits,
get away with things you wouldnt even think of trying,
the kind of girl with a story,
the kind of girl part of me wanted to be.
still to this day i can never tell if whats coming out of her mouth is disgustingly sincere or completely full of shit.

A place to explore...

2008-09-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

Mmmmm a new place to publish...

I've just recently moved to Chicago, IL from

my lovely Bellingham, WA [[near Seattle]]

and have plenty of free time to explore and build

my artsyness and my writing.

I've decided to finally make myself sit down and write the memoir

i have been talking about for years, so pieces of that will be on here.

i've also decided to work more on my art,

maybe ill even take up painting.

also, i've decided i need to learn to cook,

not like professionally, but ramen gets old,

so maybe a couple recipes and such on here.

we'll see where it all ends up.

stay tuned for creations and experiments.