New puppy...

My roommate just got a new tiny puppy a couple days ago,
its a german shepherd, which i have to admit,
not my favorite dogs.
Plus she named it Melanie, Mel for short. blech.
Not a fan of the name, but its ok,
if there's anything my sister and i are good at
its coming up with absurd nicknames for animals.
[[i.e. evil peemas, big kitty friend, BK,
suk-a-duk, sasquatch, kiddun]]
But..She is adorable.

She looks like a tiny bear cub.
We're crate training her cause i definitely didnt
want an obnoxious puppy shitting everywhere and making
the place smell like rotting dog.
regardless she's spent the last two nights crying
her head off in the crate and then passing out
as soon as my roommate lets her out.
ohhh boy, lets hope that ends soon.
its too sad to listen to much longer.
she has a bit of a feet fetish,
maybe cause she cant actually see any higher.
ill keep you posted on how the new puppy goes,
im sure there will be more pictures at some point.

in other news its been pouring rain for the last three days,
but its also been disgustingly muggy. ew.
im ready for the dry cold
or cold rain, something other than this.

well have a good sunday morning everyone.
go read the new post secrets!
www.postsecret.com
if you havent head of it yet, start now,
its amazing.

<3

Bits & Pieces...

so i dont have the patience to sit down and write something from start to finish,
let alone do i think it would be any good.
i work off of momentary bolts of emotion,
so if im going to attempt to write this memoir
im going to have to write bits and pieces here and there
and then put it all together,
this is one of the pieces ive gotten out so far....




Saying i love you is one of the few things i never stop fearing.
I'm no good at showing emotion, for me its like jumping off a cliff into water.
ill do it, but mostly to prove to myself and others i can,
I try really hard not to let them see my fear, i count down in my head 3...2...1....jump.
"i love you."
my heart jumps and stops all at the same time, my muscles clench,
i shake a little, i cant breathe, i cant think, i cant stop thinking, will i hear it back?
will i regret that? will i change my mind? is it too soon? is it too late?
then again, hearing i love you is one of the things that ill never be able to believe.
"i love you."
its similar to saying it. my heart does flips, my cheeks get rosy, i choke, my head is screaming louder than i can fight off, "they're lying, you're being a fool, don't believe it, you've heard it before, they just don't know you yet, they'll get jaded and change their mind, how could they love you when the people that are supposed to couldn't?"
then what?
their first time is done, its out there and it'll be expected of me again.
i'll have to jump over and over.
Have you ever jumped off a cliff?
The few moments you're in the air you're in a panic. Your arms fly around and your legs kick in every direction, you try your best to remember everything you know, keep straight, hit the water feet first, close your eyes, plug your nose. No matter how hard you try you can't just enjoy the fall, and then you hit. If you're lucky you've remembered everything and the initial impact wont hurt, but if you forget, you hit, it burns and pierces, everyone cringes and thinks how glad they are it was you and not them Then you're in the water. you spent so much time and energy thinking and flailing around that you're out of breathe and far below the safe surface. There's the panic again, the adrenalin from the jump has impaired your arms and legs, your kicking and and trying to swim up to the top before your lungs and explode and you die right there. Finally you reach the air, deep breath, you made it. You jumped and hit and swam and didn't die. It's an accomplishment, but no one's impressed, no clapping, no astonishment, you're just another person to them. Now they know you can do it, so you're expected to go again and again, continue the panic.
That's what it's like for me to show emotion. An accomplishment without reward or victory, just another thing they've seen before and will expect again.

A first attempt at a start...

Have you ever realized the moment your in is
the one moment that will change the rest of your life?
have you ever met someone with eyes that burn and stories that kill?
Have you ever died and started over?
This is my story as clearly as I can remember it,
i wish i knew how to start at the beginning,
but i'm not exactly sure where that is anymore.
I suppose expecting a normal existence would have been
a bit insane considering my roots, my experiences and my mindset,
and yeah i know, "but what is normal?"
i hate simple questions attempting to make a person think;
you all know what normal im referring to.
i was never one of those kids that was kept out of what was going on,
or more so i never allowed anyone to keep me out of what was going on,
i mean hell, my "theme song" was "little miss cant be wrong" by The Presidents
and i told people when i grew i wanted to be a belly dancer and ear piercer,
if thats any indication for what kind of kid i was.
The youngest child of the family,
an emotional single mom, an intricate stoner dad, an older brother and sister,
and boy did i take the cake for most difficult kid.
i remember thinking things that normal kids didn't think about.
i fell in love with anything i did,
i suppose i still do that now.
i always wanted a story to call my own,
an amazing go down in history, break your heart, humorous, huge kinda story.
Maybe i should have been careful what i wished for.
The thing about stories is, what makes them great is the fact that they're always things people wonder about but never want to live through.
i wish i remember more about growing up,
but its all a bit of a blur, so this is where ill start.
I suppose its going to be difficult to explain this without hurting anybody,
but to be honest, there was a lot of hurt involved.
Winter of 2003, thats when my memory starts to clear a bit.
The year before bush was elected,
somehow our liberal minds and hearts beating for a riot brought us all together.
Friday night peace vigils on the corner of cornwall and magnolia,
screaming our hearts our marching the streets till our fingers were blue and our voices were long gone.
i loved being part of something more powerful than i could control;
something that put all of our differences aside and brought us together for a common dream.
i got to be with my mom, see a side of her that wasn't my mom,
she was just another protester at my side.
i was finally allowed to be included in my sister's life,
something i had always wanted to bad.
i got to meet her friends and be a little part of their lives,
one of which was Julia.
i couldn't have imagined how one eighteen year old girl could flip my life so drastically.
julia has always been the kind of girl to break the limits,
get away with things you wouldnt even think of trying,
the kind of girl with a story,
the kind of girl part of me wanted to be.
still to this day i can never tell if whats coming out of her mouth is disgustingly sincere or completely full of shit.

A place to explore...

Mmmmm a new place to publish...

I've just recently moved to Chicago, IL from 

my lovely Bellingham, WA [[near Seattle]]

and have plenty of free time to explore and build

my artsyness and my writing.

I've decided to finally make myself sit down and write the memoir

i have been talking about for years, so pieces of that will be on here.

i've also decided to work more on my art, 

maybe ill even take up painting.

also, i've decided i need to learn to cook,

not like professionally, but ramen gets old,

so maybe a couple recipes and such on here.

we'll see where it all ends up.

stay tuned for creations and experiments.