random thoughts in ink...

a life different than the one in front of my eyes
and miles away from the pavement under my feet.
its all too far away and hitting all too close to the heart.
the chaotic scunge that keeps my veins on the verge
of collapsing is still fresh in my past but
i cant seem to pinpoint why i love it too much
to let it drift away from me.
you're my skeletons and my closet is open.
i dont want to change your life,
i dont need to be part of your routine,
you dont get to miss me.
look at me destroy your doubt.
im doing it,
without you,
without that place,
without hesitation or caution.
im sitting on the clouds inside my dreams,
you're simply clutching to the ladder
i had to climb to get here.
ive been striped of my amenities and comfort,
ive become a new breed,
my multiple faces have been chiseled to fit
in a new world you dont have the ability to picture.
what happened to my life?
i want to share this and keep it all to myself,
i want to dig down and expose my roots to my new life
and pave them over to never be mentioned again.
i want to know where i can find paradise.
can someone force me to remember where i love
myself regardless of the outside view?
im lost and found.
im without devastations breaking my heart
or dreams biting at my ankles.
im a routine you cant decode well enough to follow
and an image i cant see clearly.
this is a mess that cant be cleaned
and an organization you cant tamper with.
maybe im ok,
maybe im falling apart all over again
and wont notice till ive dropped too many
pieces to keep this life afloat.
im dying for a loss of gravity,
im living for a moment of time i cant measure.
im a collage of the steps ive taken
and a continual pile of the steps im walking now.
a fragment of your life you hate to remember
and i dont want to be.
im trying to figure out how to loose my impact
i have on your hearts,
and how to make something push mine into my throat.
i wish i knew how to live slower
or speed up the years to match mine.
maybe im content,
maybe im no where close.
maybe this is home...