Bits & Pieces...

so i dont have the patience to sit down and write something from start to finish,
let alone do i think it would be any good.
i work off of momentary bolts of emotion,
so if im going to attempt to write this memoir
im going to have to write bits and pieces here and there
and then put it all together,
this is one of the pieces ive gotten out so far....




Saying i love you is one of the few things i never stop fearing.
I'm no good at showing emotion, for me its like jumping off a cliff into water.
ill do it, but mostly to prove to myself and others i can,
I try really hard not to let them see my fear, i count down in my head 3...2...1....jump.
"i love you."
my heart jumps and stops all at the same time, my muscles clench,
i shake a little, i cant breathe, i cant think, i cant stop thinking, will i hear it back?
will i regret that? will i change my mind? is it too soon? is it too late?
then again, hearing i love you is one of the things that ill never be able to believe.
"i love you."
its similar to saying it. my heart does flips, my cheeks get rosy, i choke, my head is screaming louder than i can fight off, "they're lying, you're being a fool, don't believe it, you've heard it before, they just don't know you yet, they'll get jaded and change their mind, how could they love you when the people that are supposed to couldn't?"
then what?
their first time is done, its out there and it'll be expected of me again.
i'll have to jump over and over.
Have you ever jumped off a cliff?
The few moments you're in the air you're in a panic. Your arms fly around and your legs kick in every direction, you try your best to remember everything you know, keep straight, hit the water feet first, close your eyes, plug your nose. No matter how hard you try you can't just enjoy the fall, and then you hit. If you're lucky you've remembered everything and the initial impact wont hurt, but if you forget, you hit, it burns and pierces, everyone cringes and thinks how glad they are it was you and not them Then you're in the water. you spent so much time and energy thinking and flailing around that you're out of breathe and far below the safe surface. There's the panic again, the adrenalin from the jump has impaired your arms and legs, your kicking and and trying to swim up to the top before your lungs and explode and you die right there. Finally you reach the air, deep breath, you made it. You jumped and hit and swam and didn't die. It's an accomplishment, but no one's impressed, no clapping, no astonishment, you're just another person to them. Now they know you can do it, so you're expected to go again and again, continue the panic.
That's what it's like for me to show emotion. An accomplishment without reward or victory, just another thing they've seen before and will expect again.